Beginnings, Endings, and all the crap in-between....
One of the benefits of two jobs is you rarely have time to reflect upon the things that have gone bad in life. Moving to a 4-10 shift has given me time. It dovetails nicely with seeing things as they are rather than how I wish them to be.
I made the choice to involve my ex, Tammy in my life again. I was warned by so many many people that it was a horrible mistake. But I saw changes that made me think it was possible. She was open to adult discussion, the games seemed to cease, she was respectful of my life and issues. I was very proud of the changes she made.
They were a lie. Nothing has changed. It just had a shiny new coating. The thing about the interactions was this......it was superficial. I did see one or two changes and they shocked me. I had offers from her to assist in a job search, a home search, and resume critique. Sounds great doesn't it? Well it was just that, a good sounding idea.
She would offer, I would accept, and then nothing was done. I found that I couldn't rely on her for much of anything. I accepted that. I learned that it was lip service.
What brought it to a head was when the oldest daughter came to visit. One I look at as my own. There were plans to meet up and have dinner, meet the new boyfriend, etc. However I kept getting dodged and blown off. Couple that with the let downs on what I assumed was a genuine offer of help in finding places to live once the house sold and I was upset.
I finally called her out on it. I asked for open communication about what was going on and honesty. Instead I was accused that I was trying to place myself before her kids. Anyone that knows me knows that is a ridiculous claim. I still have all the conversations as proof as well.
It was this lie she told that she used as an excuse to flip out on me and cut off...most contact. I have done some very bad things in my life and accept responsibility for the things I have done. But when I am accused of something i didn't do or say.....well that's another story entirely.
The games were still there with her, just more...refined...and some sloppy. Like this accusation. It was plain to see that was not what I said, nor what I inferred. So why invent something? Is it the need for an excuse?
Hardly needed. If she found someone to share her life with...great, I am happy for her. But there is no real need to lie about me or what I said in order to move forward into her new life. Just simply say so and cut ties. When I confronted her on the lie and asked for the truth all I got was silence. The epic ignore game which she does so well, and she knows it infuriates me. No response to my questions, etc. It showed a great immaturity to me and opened my eyes to an unavoidable truth.
She is all the bad things I have seen from her. The cover, the act, the front.....those were the nice things, the helpfulness, the sweetness. The real Tammy was the petty games, the ignoring, the lies, the manipulation. The deafening silence. The playing of one world against another. maintaining her two identities......that was, for me...the real Tammy.
She may very well NOT be this person, but when it comes to me, in any interaction with me, that is who she becomes. It could still be a petty lingering desire for dominance or revenge, or control.
I tried very much to be adult about it and make it very clear that is not what I said and also continued to reiterate that all I wanted was honest open communication about things. But when your every message, email and call is ignored...you get the meaning pretty quick.
Here is the kicker......she ignored every message, email and call I sent, even blocked me on Pinterest...lol. but, would NOT delete herself from my Facebook. I found that so very odd. Until someone pointed out this was the same behavior she had when she was screwing James over the summer a few years back. Wanted to keep her and her life a secret and move forward with whatever and whoever she wanted to, but needed to keep tabs on my life.
I find this so very odd. It is possible. Who know why she does what she does and with whom. I do not. And at this point in my life I do not care to. I simply cannot afford childish drama in this stage of my life anymore. Only she knows truly what or who is the real reason she invented this issue.
So I finally did what she would not do out of pure spite and immaturity. I deleted her. Its a shame, I had high hopes that she had finally turned herself around and grown beyond the need for manipulation, control, and petty games. I was wrong. So I had to close that door and walk away from it all. I cannot be consumed by that foolishness anymore.
I cannot have someone in my life that is committed to its destruction, And in the end.....that is what she was. She was poisonous to me. She would go out of her way to do things that disrupted my peace, my life, and my efforts at rebuilding. Why she did this, I do not know.
What I do know is what I was told....was not the truth. She has been very big on shielding her reputation. Hiding any bad she has done. This could be the reason for the fabrication. I find this laughable, but it is her choice.
To those that warned me, and to the warnings I ignored. I am truly, deeply sorry. I thank all of you for looking out for me. It means alot. I know those closest to me have been through a ridiculous roller coaster the last 5 years and for that I apologize.
I don't hate her, I don't wish bad things upon her. After everything....I really don't. After all the loss, the pain, the games, the BS, and the ignoring...yes even after the ignoring...I do not wish her ill will.
Bad things happening to her or her life will not improve my own. It will not help me rebuild faster, it will not make me better. It just creates more anger. I've had enough of that in my life. She....well...she just simply isn't relevant to me anymore. By HER own choice. Why fight to include someone that has to invent reasons to leave? If someone doesn't want to be a part of my life, well, you shouldn't fight to make space for them.
Life is short, fleeting, dark....why pollute what is left with lies, pain, petty games, & abuse? People that you fight to have in your life should be gifts, they make you better, and while she did in her own way, those times have passed.
So, Tammy Tallant, I wish you well. I hope you heal, I hope you find what suits you and makes you into that person you say you are. I want great things for you, but not ever at the expense of my own life and happiness. I want you to be happy in life. I want you to feel real, true, peace and partnership. Whatever the real reason for your blowup and lie, I truly hope it works out for you and becomes something magical. I hope you find your fairy tale.
It was a hell of a ride.........
Next up I'll look at goals......
I made the choice to involve my ex, Tammy in my life again. I was warned by so many many people that it was a horrible mistake. But I saw changes that made me think it was possible. She was open to adult discussion, the games seemed to cease, she was respectful of my life and issues. I was very proud of the changes she made.
They were a lie. Nothing has changed. It just had a shiny new coating. The thing about the interactions was this......it was superficial. I did see one or two changes and they shocked me. I had offers from her to assist in a job search, a home search, and resume critique. Sounds great doesn't it? Well it was just that, a good sounding idea.
She would offer, I would accept, and then nothing was done. I found that I couldn't rely on her for much of anything. I accepted that. I learned that it was lip service.
What brought it to a head was when the oldest daughter came to visit. One I look at as my own. There were plans to meet up and have dinner, meet the new boyfriend, etc. However I kept getting dodged and blown off. Couple that with the let downs on what I assumed was a genuine offer of help in finding places to live once the house sold and I was upset.
I finally called her out on it. I asked for open communication about what was going on and honesty. Instead I was accused that I was trying to place myself before her kids. Anyone that knows me knows that is a ridiculous claim. I still have all the conversations as proof as well.
It was this lie she told that she used as an excuse to flip out on me and cut off...most contact. I have done some very bad things in my life and accept responsibility for the things I have done. But when I am accused of something i didn't do or say.....well that's another story entirely.
The games were still there with her, just more...refined...and some sloppy. Like this accusation. It was plain to see that was not what I said, nor what I inferred. So why invent something? Is it the need for an excuse?
Hardly needed. If she found someone to share her life with...great, I am happy for her. But there is no real need to lie about me or what I said in order to move forward into her new life. Just simply say so and cut ties. When I confronted her on the lie and asked for the truth all I got was silence. The epic ignore game which she does so well, and she knows it infuriates me. No response to my questions, etc. It showed a great immaturity to me and opened my eyes to an unavoidable truth.
She is all the bad things I have seen from her. The cover, the act, the front.....those were the nice things, the helpfulness, the sweetness. The real Tammy was the petty games, the ignoring, the lies, the manipulation. The deafening silence. The playing of one world against another. maintaining her two identities......that was, for me...the real Tammy.
She may very well NOT be this person, but when it comes to me, in any interaction with me, that is who she becomes. It could still be a petty lingering desire for dominance or revenge, or control.
I tried very much to be adult about it and make it very clear that is not what I said and also continued to reiterate that all I wanted was honest open communication about things. But when your every message, email and call is ignored...you get the meaning pretty quick.
Here is the kicker......she ignored every message, email and call I sent, even blocked me on Pinterest...lol. but, would NOT delete herself from my Facebook. I found that so very odd. Until someone pointed out this was the same behavior she had when she was screwing James over the summer a few years back. Wanted to keep her and her life a secret and move forward with whatever and whoever she wanted to, but needed to keep tabs on my life.
I find this so very odd. It is possible. Who know why she does what she does and with whom. I do not. And at this point in my life I do not care to. I simply cannot afford childish drama in this stage of my life anymore. Only she knows truly what or who is the real reason she invented this issue.
So I finally did what she would not do out of pure spite and immaturity. I deleted her. Its a shame, I had high hopes that she had finally turned herself around and grown beyond the need for manipulation, control, and petty games. I was wrong. So I had to close that door and walk away from it all. I cannot be consumed by that foolishness anymore.
I cannot have someone in my life that is committed to its destruction, And in the end.....that is what she was. She was poisonous to me. She would go out of her way to do things that disrupted my peace, my life, and my efforts at rebuilding. Why she did this, I do not know.
What I do know is what I was told....was not the truth. She has been very big on shielding her reputation. Hiding any bad she has done. This could be the reason for the fabrication. I find this laughable, but it is her choice.
To those that warned me, and to the warnings I ignored. I am truly, deeply sorry. I thank all of you for looking out for me. It means alot. I know those closest to me have been through a ridiculous roller coaster the last 5 years and for that I apologize.
I don't hate her, I don't wish bad things upon her. After everything....I really don't. After all the loss, the pain, the games, the BS, and the ignoring...yes even after the ignoring...I do not wish her ill will.
Bad things happening to her or her life will not improve my own. It will not help me rebuild faster, it will not make me better. It just creates more anger. I've had enough of that in my life. She....well...she just simply isn't relevant to me anymore. By HER own choice. Why fight to include someone that has to invent reasons to leave? If someone doesn't want to be a part of my life, well, you shouldn't fight to make space for them.
Life is short, fleeting, dark....why pollute what is left with lies, pain, petty games, & abuse? People that you fight to have in your life should be gifts, they make you better, and while she did in her own way, those times have passed.
So, Tammy Tallant, I wish you well. I hope you heal, I hope you find what suits you and makes you into that person you say you are. I want great things for you, but not ever at the expense of my own life and happiness. I want you to be happy in life. I want you to feel real, true, peace and partnership. Whatever the real reason for your blowup and lie, I truly hope it works out for you and becomes something magical. I hope you find your fairy tale.
It was a hell of a ride.........
Next up I'll look at goals......
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