Life & Times of the Semi-Domesticated Irish Bear

    Somedays I wonder why I am the way I am. Pure stubborness? A lack of vision? Or just a general read fault? I extend myself, often too far, for others. This has cost me many times because I believe they would reciprocate, and/or do the same for me. Often they do not. In the course of my actions I find myself further and further behind. Example: Had I focused on myself the first time things went south with Tink & I, I would be in my own place, in a good job, and semi-comfortable now.......And in possession of almost all of my things.     Instead I am not. Horrifcally in debt, but getting better, lost of $14k in collectible weaponry (that figure is climbing too because the cost of replacing said items gets higher and higher every quarter), A resume that resembles swiss cheese rather than a solid career path, & a patience level that has ZERO tolerance for any hint at immaturity, gaming, or indecision.      But I still extend....still stretch...For what...why? Especially whe

The longer I live the more jaded I become. I begin to dwell on deeper topics of a down nature. Primarily, are humans capable of change once their personality is set? Take addicts for instance, often they are cured of one addiction, but move onto another. The personality traits remain the same, all that changes is the "decor". In the end the behaviors never really change. So that begs the question, can people...and by this I mean 30+ crowd, change behaviors. Radical, root, sweeping change? I have seen instances where they have, but more often than not I have seen patterns repeat themselves ad nauseam. In addition I wonder at what point English...for Americans born...in the US...who are educated.....became so difficult to understand? I feel I speak pretty plainly....clear, with a decent grasp on vocabulary and grammar......So, why do so many people either invent things that are said, or fail to recognize what is said? I am no stranger to this either. Could it be that what i

Brain is mush today. Pop's port was clogged with blood so we had to bring him in to get that flushed. I have a new Boss, for the job they didn't hire me for and that chafes like wool bikini breifs,my energy level is bottoming out, my part-time job shorted me on pay I think,my crew is beginning to seriously bug me, car is shaky again, my body is beaten up pretty badly & got a message from the ex-gf today......so yeah...kind of a full day...I'll break it down: Pop was looking at his port and it had some weird discoloration on it. Some research showed that it was clogged with coagulated blood. He himmed and hawed about going in and finally submitted. Was upset about the doctor's bills. Mom didn't help much. She needs to lear to that it's how you say it, not what. She harped on him.....no man likes being harped on (ladies, please take note on this and the delivery suggestions)..if she'd just alter her response to something more supportive like "I'm

As many of you know my Dad is very sick. Currently he is Stage 4 cancer. To say I'm handling it is a gross understatement. What do you do when the person that has symbolized strength, endurance and perseverence your whole life is fading away? How do you cope. What can you say? I've been struggling with this for some time now. It has been a major source of stress in my life. This along with the Boys, do I bring them around so they have mopre time, try to sheild them from the pain? How to deal with my oldest who has avoided the situation entirely? I'm in a situation that I can fight through. So I spend alot of times just spinning. I want to break down, I need to break down. I did Saturday. Got myself White boy wasted. Drinking Angry Orchard with shots of Whiskey dropped in them...sitting back..watching Burn Notice on Netflix. In that evening I came to a few crucial realizations: 1. I shouldn't have my phone when I'm that loaded. 2. The only thing I can do is sup

"There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities; it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future, or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain." G'Kar quoting from the book of G'Quan I'll be honest. The future scares the hell out of me. Maybe that is why I stuck with things with Tink as long as I did when so many signs were saying leave. The Devil you know kind of a thing. Something is different this time though. Not sure quite what. Perhaps it's because I made a choice. Often I avoid the conflict and allow things to happen. I'm not sure where I'm headed....not sure how

The concept of human perception is an amazing thing. It is the lens through which we see the world and it allows our upbringing, our values, our beliefs, our personality, and even our genetics to shape and interpret what we see. How we present our perceptions is an unspoken testament to who we are at our core. The good, the bad, and the worse. It is an amazing thing and a horribly constricting curse. Our perspectives often work to constrict our view points until we see nothing but our own. We become so blinded by our own perspectives, so inflexible to the possibilities, that we cease to function as social animals. If you doubt me, go take a look at an internet politics discussion board. We have, for the most part become too inflexible to allow ourselves to explore the broader meaning of interpersonal relations. In order to function we must have like-minded individuals otherwise we self-destruct….burn all of our time seeking to sway the opinions of others. We like to tout how intelligen

Clarity…..often it is an amazing gift. It wipes away confusion, leaving behind the unvarnished truth. As time drags on however, I have found that there are times when we depend on a lack of clarity. When we as people….or a person, is unprepared to process the facts and see things how they truly are. We call it denial. Now do not get me wrong, I have nothing wrong with how anyone does anything, so long as the only life affected is their own. Unfortunately we do not live within a bubble. Most things are interconnected, and people are far smarter than anyone gives them credit for. No matter what we think, lol. But we need that denial, we want the waters muddied, otherwise we are faced with an inconvenient truth…..and it seems no one likes those. But as a whole, denial, and lack of clarity is often a defense mechanism, shielding us from that truth and all the consequences that go with it. Once the truth is laid bare, and our roles within that truth established, often action is dictated. Wi

Having had time to reflect I have seen things that while they hurt, are good things. Everyone wants to believe they are special, we're taught that from a very young age. The reality is quite different however. Unfortunately time and society has had a way in de-valuing people. Relationships crumble and people are replaced in quick turn, dating quickly... sometimes in as little as 8 days...lol. People pass on and it does not seem as catastrophic as it once was. We quickly call for the heads of people that weave outside the of the mob opinion. I have no such illusions as to my value. Were something to happen to me...life goes on. People would mourn, people might cry...some perhaps even celebrate. But would it be earth shattering? No...not so much. When your Wife replaces you before she packs even a bag...when your girlfriend lines up back-up dates before you break up....things like that have a tendency to knock one's ego down a peg or two. Take me and Tink (will not use th

This weekend I was able to participate in a wonderful union of friends. My dear friend was married. While everyone was heaping wishes of joy, happieness, & bliss upon them I withheld. Not because I wish them less....because that seemed to be a waste of a wish. One only needs to see them together to realize such a wish is like wishing fish to have water....well..durrrr its ALL AROUND THEM. As it is with these two. I've been in and seen my fair share of weddings. But it's a rare treat to bear witness to joining of two souls that were so very, 100%, disney-grade, made for each other. I've seen happy couples, but it's rare to see such a wonderful, perfect match. I've seen it only a small handful in my lifetime. My 2 lil brothers and their wives. My Aunt and Uncle.... Usually there is a disparity in effort, but this one seems very different indeed. It gives one faith & hope for a better future. I was told by her, about this a few weeks before the weddi