Looking back....and forward?

Having had time to reflect I have seen things that while they hurt, are good things. Everyone wants to believe they are special, we're taught that from a very young age. The reality is quite different however. Unfortunately time and society has had a way in de-valuing people. Relationships crumble and people are replaced in quick turn, dating quickly... sometimes in as little as 8 days...lol. People pass on and it does not seem as catastrophic as it once was. We quickly call for the heads of people that weave outside the of the mob opinion. I have no such illusions as to my value. Were something to happen to me...life goes on. People would mourn, people might cry...some perhaps even celebrate. But would it be earth shattering? No...not so much. When your Wife replaces you before she packs even a bag...when your girlfriend lines up back-up dates before you break up....things like that have a tendency to knock one's ego down a peg or two. Take me and Tink (will not use the proper names of other's from now on out of respect) for example, Did we keep trying over and over and over again out of love? Spite? Stubborness? Or something darker...like one did not feel they had enough revenge? Or jealousy/fear that the other would be happy without them? It's a curious question. Made all the more interesting with the speed in which Tink has always bounced back onto the playing field after a split.....usually with some wrath and deep seeded fear I was doing...exactly...what....she....was. I called it 'Broken Toy Theory'. The concept that a child will toss a broken toy into a corner, neglect it, forget about it...until the very moment someone else takes the slightest interest in it....at that point then it becomes the most important thing in the world. Such things happened often. Hard to believe you're special when so many have taken your place, or you became so easy to ignore. Or were the target of so many petty little games. Not to say it was all pure hell. No. But there was alot that was left to be desired. There were moments, things, activities that can never be replaced, by anyone...at anytime (from my perspective).....But that doesn't mean you should jump on the train again.....especially when you know it's all going to end badly....again....and again. More so when you find out that 'ending' was in the works long before it actually ended... When you work at a job, come up with amazing ideas to save money, labor, improve quality....only to be tossed aside by other folk playing their games. Again, hard to feel special. Most of all...it's very hard NOT to become hardened by all of it. Not to be jaded or carry a grudge. Or worse....mean...just plain mean. That's what happened to me. It was bad to say the least. It's hard not to become that way when you can be replaced so quickly. When the person that meant the world to you picks up and moves on withing a few days, ignores you, is seen out n about wearing the special jewelry you got them, & rants about how wonderful things are. When an employer can replace you after pouring your heart into a project. When friends whisper behind your back. When you are let down by a combination of circumstance, expectations, and miscommunication time, after time, after time. It can harden any personality, make jaded the most gentle of souls, and poison the attitude of anyone damn near. I think that's why in the last go 'round with Tink, it was doomed before it began. There was so much scar tissue, so much latent anger, so much damage, that it was possible to enjoy each other, feel warm, safe, & loved.....smile alot, enjoy what we had been missing.....but there was no future. There wasn't the possibility of moving beyond the arm's length relationship it was at. Because there never was the belief...the trust...the faith on my end that she would be anything else but the woman that laid waste to my life. Could I have stayed? yes....I could've faked it. I could've lied. I could've pretended and had a very comfortable, perhaps even easy life. Would I have been happy....maybe...eventually. You lie to yourself enough, you may actually believe it. But...sooner or later it would've imploded....badly....very, very badly. As evidenced by her reaction, she instantly reverted back to the beast I despised....replaced me in short order...petty games, dodges, ignoring....in a blink all the supposed "progress" made went up in smoke. She is by no means evil. Do I love her? Absolutely. and in some ways always will. But I am simply not capable of being with her in a manner that she wants me to be. So I did the selfless thing. I walked away so at some point she can seek out (as she has been for some time) what truly makes her happy. So she can have her fairy tale. I walked away to save her sanity, my soul, and our good memories. I left so she can have what she deserves, not who she wants. Granted she sees it differently...... The same goes with Jobs. You stick with a job because of comfort these days. because in this enviroment they can be hard to come by, even more so with my damaged record. So you are faced with the coice to stick with what's comfortable & safe, even though it's unhealthy, or dare to strike out and find what you were meant for. When employer's squeeze you for anything useful and then toss you aside like an old tissue it makes you question your value as a person. One position I had for example I saved the company my yearly salary within my first 2 months. Nonetheless I was fundamentally opposed to driving out one of my staff members because at the base that staff member's arguments were valid....I was released within a year. Two jobs I lost due to my Ex-Gf, those were both short-term, so when you get a job, you dig in and hold on....or strive for what you believe you should have? At least in the Job arena I have learned something about myself....I can either work with inhuman stamina or be brilliant...NOT both.....Example: I work 3 jobs right now. Mfg. Sup., Day Cook, & Part time delivery driver. I can work well at all 3. I can put in an insane amount of hours and still hold my head up.....except for recently. I've been on special projects and it is really taking its toll.....Very weary. It's more fulfilling, engages my mind, but drains me as well.....all for very little extra money (OT). And when you have a monumental task of rebuilding after several years of damage due to poor choices in life & love...money is everything. I guess all in all it comes down to self-worth. Finding it, cultivating it, and never, NEVER placing it in the hands of someone else...ever. Because once you do any hope of a future that is your own is gone. I have grown, adjusted. and even found some of that self-worth. Great example is the pic. I used to HATE all pictures of me. More often than not lately, I'm beginning to like what I see and what I don't like I realize is my choice to change. This pic, taken at the wedding...I really like. Not my absolute favorite taken that weekend, but it is close. Hard part is pics taken with others....hard to get those to look really good... So yes, I'm happy she has moved on, I'm happy she has had all these wonderfully fun plans and days...I'm happy she has enjoyable days and great nights......joy & fun that would not have been possible with me where we were at. She should have that fun. She should have that Joy. She should be able to smile more and worry less. She sould be spoiled, pampered, wooed, & what not. Whatever....whoever she is enjoying that is making her happy.....she should be doing more of that. She deserves it. And I am truly happy for her. Because that's what love is. Wanting someone to be happy, even if it isn't you they are being happy with or for. And yes, I am happy that I am no longer at those jobs. While I wish it would've been by my choice (would've save a few guns, lol), & it was more organized because at the base if a job is going to do something like that to me, than I guess that organization does not have the level of integrity I need from a job. Also I 'spose it helps if you face your demons....and in some cases...make nice with them...;-)