Ghosts of the past
It re-organizing my life I came across 2 old dropbox accounts. What I found in them however is of greater interest.
Every text, email, picture and messenger log that was ever between me and Tammy. I organized them into a cohesive timeline. From beginning to end, it's all there...the good times and then the other 95% of it...lol.
From the first Yahoo message to the Lame ass Yahoo message I used to reconnect with her...trust me it was WAAAAY bad. To the few pics we took together, to the message I got not too long ago wrapping it all up.
It was good to see it all from a dispassionate perspective. For a short time. Then came the first pic we had together at Kat's B-day Party, then the Easter Pics (?)....Trees, look at the trees...dear God did you SEE the Trees?!?!?!? (long story)..Happy times, The house, shooting,....
Then the not-so-good times. The screenshots she was taking from my friends on Facebook that I found when packing her computer. The arguments ...the hurtful vile things we said to one another, the 4 day foray into what "all" happened with James and Stephen.
Every twist and turn, every cycle laid out. The highest of highs before my Reunion, to the lowest of lows in Applebee's parking lot.
I needed to see it....to follow the cycle. To really step outside and see the pattern before I could accept the inevitable truth,
I was an abused partner. My counselor did say that my actions triggered the start of the cycle, but also mentioned that abusive and controlling personalities are rarely formed that fast. Often they exist at all times and only show themselves once you scrape off the polite veneer.
I do not begrudge someone for who they are. It just is. But in seeing the timeline...it was doomed the moment I stepped out on her and my foolish faith did not allow me to let it go.
I accepted the abuse...because I believe I deserved it all. I believed it was righteous. 5 years....5 years of fights, pettiness....her dropping me for dates. More fights..makeups.....each cycle getting shorter and shorter. Sometimes a matter of days. I grew stronger, accepted less, refused more....did not lay down...and for awhile I thought things were improving...but after laying it all out.....
The pattern was undeniable.
My friends have all asked why don't I erase it. For me it's important to see it....to read it. As much as I can as often as I can. I need to see why it started......why it continued.....why the cycle kept repeating....and ultimately WHY it had to end.
It's a shame that my pride and my feelings made something that SHOULD have ended in days....turned it into years.
I place the blame squarely on myself. No matter what she did I CHOSE to believe in "us"...even after Mike, Stephen, James, James II, III, IV, & James V, the 9 or so dates she "had" to have to 'get over us', the ignoring games, the yelling, the demands, the lost jobs, guns, and most importantly...time
I chose even after all that to continue fighting. Because the good, when it was good....was amazing.
But the counselor said...most abusive relationships can be manic-depressive or bi-polar. Incredibe highs and frightening lows.
Then right in the middle of the muck...after I have thrown my hands up and said enough....she....fights for it.....and the way she fought...was intense....
To see it all laid out...its so clear to me...and it is so sad I did not see it sooner. Between the condom thing, her lackluster effort regarding it and explaining it.....I saw it all, but I ignored it.
EVERY.....SINGLE.....TIME I ignore my gut in my life I have paid dearly for it.
As much as it warmed my heart to see the memories of the good times I thought I had lost.....The pattern made it all clear.
I have said many times that she may be this wonderful, passionate, great partner....but that is with someone else. She is incapable of ever being THAT person with or in regards to me.
Someday.....I'll have to delete it all. Until then...I'll read and remember
Every text, email, picture and messenger log that was ever between me and Tammy. I organized them into a cohesive timeline. From beginning to end, it's all there...the good times and then the other 95% of it...lol.
From the first Yahoo message to the Lame ass Yahoo message I used to reconnect with her...trust me it was WAAAAY bad. To the few pics we took together, to the message I got not too long ago wrapping it all up.
It was good to see it all from a dispassionate perspective. For a short time. Then came the first pic we had together at Kat's B-day Party, then the Easter Pics (?)....Trees, look at the trees...dear God did you SEE the Trees?!?!?!? (long story)..Happy times, The house, shooting,....
Then the not-so-good times. The screenshots she was taking from my friends on Facebook that I found when packing her computer. The arguments ...the hurtful vile things we said to one another, the 4 day foray into what "all" happened with James and Stephen.
Every twist and turn, every cycle laid out. The highest of highs before my Reunion, to the lowest of lows in Applebee's parking lot.
I needed to see it....to follow the cycle. To really step outside and see the pattern before I could accept the inevitable truth,
I was an abused partner. My counselor did say that my actions triggered the start of the cycle, but also mentioned that abusive and controlling personalities are rarely formed that fast. Often they exist at all times and only show themselves once you scrape off the polite veneer.
I do not begrudge someone for who they are. It just is. But in seeing the timeline...it was doomed the moment I stepped out on her and my foolish faith did not allow me to let it go.
I accepted the abuse...because I believe I deserved it all. I believed it was righteous. 5 years....5 years of fights, pettiness....her dropping me for dates. More fights..makeups.....each cycle getting shorter and shorter. Sometimes a matter of days. I grew stronger, accepted less, refused more....did not lay down...and for awhile I thought things were improving...but after laying it all out.....
The pattern was undeniable.
My friends have all asked why don't I erase it. For me it's important to see it....to read it. As much as I can as often as I can. I need to see why it started......why it continued.....why the cycle kept repeating....and ultimately WHY it had to end.
It's a shame that my pride and my feelings made something that SHOULD have ended in days....turned it into years.
I place the blame squarely on myself. No matter what she did I CHOSE to believe in "us"...even after Mike, Stephen, James, James II, III, IV, & James V, the 9 or so dates she "had" to have to 'get over us', the ignoring games, the yelling, the demands, the lost jobs, guns, and most importantly...time
I chose even after all that to continue fighting. Because the good, when it was good....was amazing.
But the counselor said...most abusive relationships can be manic-depressive or bi-polar. Incredibe highs and frightening lows.
Then right in the middle of the muck...after I have thrown my hands up and said enough....she....fights for it.....and the way she fought...was intense....
To see it all laid out...its so clear to me...and it is so sad I did not see it sooner. Between the condom thing, her lackluster effort regarding it and explaining it.....I saw it all, but I ignored it.
EVERY.....SINGLE.....TIME I ignore my gut in my life I have paid dearly for it.
As much as it warmed my heart to see the memories of the good times I thought I had lost.....The pattern made it all clear.
I have said many times that she may be this wonderful, passionate, great partner....but that is with someone else. She is incapable of ever being THAT person with or in regards to me.
Someday.....I'll have to delete it all. Until then...I'll read and remember
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