a revelation, and direction...

I do want to apologize for not knowing myself well enough to know that I could not move past the cheating and lying that occur with Kris. I never caught my ex-husband right out cheating on me that way you cheated on me. The only women I know about with him (for sure) were all during times we were separated. I never caught him cheating on me while living with me, like I did with you.

I thought that I could move past it because what I felt for you meant more to me. However, I was wrong. Even the feeling of home, warmth, friendship, love, and everything else was not enough. In fact, the hurt and break in trust from Kris, slow road away at these feelings. It took a while, but now those feelings I had for you that I never had for anyone else are gone.

I do want to thank you for helping me to understand more about myself that I did not understand before or know. I am sure I will never repeat this mistake again.

I am sure you totally thinking I am a horrible person and that is ok. You can tell yourself, your family, and your friends anything you want about me. I just ask you stop saying it to me.

I don't want to talk to you or see you. I am blocking you on every possible method of communication with me.

I don't hate you, but I don't respect or care for you either. A small part of me will always love you, just like a small part of me will always love my ex-husband.

This was a message I received some time ago from the Ex. While none of this is news to me it was another thing to SEE it written. I figured I'd write about it. I do not begrudge someone for their feelings...however knowing their feelings after years of abuse is another story. "knowing" their feelings after someone stands up and refuses to be beaten on, used, and calls you out on your bullshit is another thing.

Normally I wouldn't care, but the pieces started falling into place some time ago. When I really sat down and started to really think about my time with her. See, I noticed a change in her behavior that eventually led to this, when we tried to make it work the last time. At the time I took it all on faith, now given time to think about it and stepping out of the fog of emotion, it becomes clear.

I was side-action. Pure and simple. I say this because during the last attempt to make it work we were having a moment and I reached into a private bag of hers/ours and came across condoms and some gel/lubricant. I am clean and snipped so I have no need for such things. Tammy on the other hand is careful with.....new partners. She profusely denied they were hers. 

The more I examine that conversation it was the trick she did so very well.....lying without lying. "they are not mine".....well of course they are not, he bought them so therefor they wouldn't BE yours. "I have no idea where those came from"....well she didn't ask him where he bought them from. "I have no idea how they got there"....He put them in her goodie bag, she didn't afterward. See, through creative word selection, nothing she said was a lie, but it sure wasn't truthful either. This is how she approached every shady thing she did in our time together. And Fully admits she does this.

To fully understand this revelation you have to understand how it all started on her side.....I started as side action. She was with a guy who was "on his way out" when we started seeing each other. That is one of many reasons I am ashamed of myself. and for my part in that Zach, I am truly and deeply sorry.

I accused her of being a narcissistic sociopath, and she said I was being rediculous, that she took....wait for it....an online test and it said she was a good person. I'm sorry but every time I think of that this comes to mind...

via GIPHY
It seems clear throughout my history with her is she has been unable to let go until there is someone to fill that void. Couple that with hinting Pins on Pintrest of "If she isn't jealous or making an effort to hold your attention, it's because someone else already has hers". The last round way back of trying to fix it...again...was simply filler until she locked in her new guy. Pure, simple, easy to understand, and fully fitting ALL the facts.

But like anything that may seem damaging to her precious image, it is covered in a layer of BS. Let's face it, through all the nastiness that is my life, I KNOW bullshit when I hear it...and this...above...what she wrote...is absolute bullshit, lol.

Now some specific passages I take umbrage with: In fact, the hurt and break in trust from Kris, slow road away at these feelings. It took a while, but now those feelings I had for you that I never had for anyone else are gone.

The reality was the attitudes did not change until I stopped accepting the abuse and found the condoms and the lube.

In addition it shouldn't take years of revenge...it was revenge, to come to "that" conclusion. Also my personal favorite, the only other people with access to her place is her youngest daughter and boyfriend. So I am to believe one of them bought them, used them (there were 3 missing from the package...a brand and type she was very curious to try), and then, HID them in HER toy bag stuffed between HER corner wall and BED.........really??

I am sure you totally thinking I am a horrible person and that is ok. You can tell yourself, your family, and your friends anything you want about me. I just ask you stop saying it to me.

She never wants to look at things she has done wrong. Which is why she has never really changed. She has never had to face her own evils, and own up to them. And lets be real...in todays world a guy will accept whatever is said in order to get some tail sometimes.....I know in the beginning I took her side of the tsory as gospel, even though flags were flying up everywhere.

I don't hate you, but I don't respect or care for you either. A small part of me will always love you, just like a small part of me will always love my ex-husband.

I can see how you wouldn't respect someone who has fought longer than anyone to fix something and has accepted more BS that anyone in your life trying to fix it.....<insert MASSIVE eye roll....serious...so hard of an eye roll they impact the back off your skull from the force>. I can see how you cannot 'care' for someone who refuses to be abused....

And trust me..after years I have seen how she "loves" her ex-husband...

See more on Know Your Meme

I guess what gets me is ...the lack of honesty. The insult to my intelligence. The things she demands from others. Maybe thats what it is....we demand that which we cannot or will not give? Who knows/ What I do know is what I got is not the truth. What her Ex-husband got was not the truth. What Zach got is not the truth, what any of the other guys during our time got...was...not...the...truth. And moreover, it has nothing to do with me...it's about avoiding the dark parts of herself. protecting her image, denying her sins.

I don't begrudge her for her choice. Just the years of damage to my life while she "moved away from her feelings for me" which took god knows how many dates and liaisons that I knew nothing of. I begrudge her for the lack of honesty on 'what it was', and in the end...the lack of honesty on who it really was.

But in the end...maybe she was my karma for my previous sins in life. I cannot discount this.  

When it's all said and done, only she knows the 100% truth, and right now, I wouldn't trust her to tell me water's wet...lol. I will, in all likelihood never know the full story, anytime she says I have the full story it comes out years later that I didn't. A great example is her explaining everything that happened from the James/Mike/Stephen/Kris era, only to find out she messed around and had a massive make-out session with ANOTHER person she failed to mention to me....But this instance is just an example of how she has operated, but I was too blind of ga-ga to see or care.



I suppose..it all comes down to you have to see people for who they ARE, not who you WISH them to be. It's good to have this closure, even though it's far removed from the time. I do not hate her....she would need to be relevant in my life to harbor hate. I.....I....pity her. For all her accomplishments, she still is very much a petulant small town , small minded person that still harbors resentment to her exes. her ex-husband, me, Zach, and it will continue to carry over until she faces her dark side.

Only then can she become this woman she kept telling me she was. Until she owns the dirty, feral side of herself...only then can she truly be happy with a new path

and believe me...in this...I KNOW what I'm talking about

But...that is no longer my problem........I have my own future to tend to

Next week...goals and motivation!!!!