A path......
I met with him again. With background data, the questions were a bit more probative. And some serious questions were asked. Some I could not answer.
We went back to the beginning. First class, etc. He dd have a time to go over what I sent him and he did mention it helped. I do my best to remain evidence and factually neutral but as we all know our perception determines our reality. This is just fact. I think that's why having all the messages will help as it will keep me centered and him properly informed.
He did mention one thing that stuck with me. "First rule of reconciliation....the offender does not determine when the offended is healed. Time has no effect on this". This was something I never considered. We all heal at different rates, in different ways. For her it may have taken this long to realize she couldn't heal....that and banging a few different guys when she got pissed at me...who knows.
The important part is, in the end, it should've ended when I found out about Mike. Period, full stop, end of story. Our lives would have been vastly different, that much is certain.
He did ask me to go through my top 3 memories and worst 3 memories with her in detail. That was tough. because they showed why I fought so hard to save it, and why I should've fought harder to end it. The most striking point of this exercise was the Top 3 were easy. the worst 3, I had a large pile to soft through in order to figure out what the worst 3 were. That was a gut punch I was not expecting.
The top three were easy. 1. Seeing her reading Keion bedtime stories. 2. The night before my reunion when the power was out. 3. Her coming clean around Christmas a few years back and fighting for us....well semi-coming clean. new shit hits the light of day weekly.
The worst 3 took alot of processing......it was not pleasant. but I think I narrowed it down.
1. Her screaming at me in the parking lot at Applebee's telling me she is gonna fuck who she wants, when she wants, how she wants, and I just have to deal with it. 2. Argument where she told me she wished she made a sex tape with James so she could rub it in my face. 3.Memorial day weekend where we got away to a resort in Brainerd and she finally came clean about lying to me about Mike.....that or a 1000 way tie of all the ignore session, dodges, ultimatums, dates, and manipulation.
It was a painful, but necessary exercise. It did bring an interesting truth to light. After a time and the cycle of fights, ultimatums and ignore games...I began to withdraw from society. Knowing that any contact with the opposite sex would draw a fight, I stopped talking. to everyone. I began to hide for fear of upsetting her. Because....in the end...it was what she wanted. I lied to myself and said it was a temporary thing.
I don't begrudge her for her fear, or for her reactions. But so often anything involving rebuilding was her way or the highway. It even got to the point where she would review my Facebook posts and demand edits of them...and direct conversations in a manner she chose.
Please keep in mind that this was also never, ever a courtesy extended to me. Any time I asked for a level playing field there was always a dodge, a deflection, or complete avoidance of my concerns.
In the end.......I allowed it. No matter what she did...I allowed it and in some cases nurtured it.
The basis of any relationship has to be trust...business, personal, friendship. We did not have that, from the shitty things I was doing to the things she was...there never was a level of trust to be had in it.
One thing he mentioned that I had stated before I found interesting was....it was never both of us fighting at the same time to save it. Why I wonder?
He found it incredibly odd that I wasn't angry or hateful. I told him I had my moments. But not anymore. that was an awakening. At what point does hating her or wishing bad things upon her improve my life? If she is truly meant to go through what was done to me and vice versa....it will happen in its own time. Me wishing it, writing it, obsessing over it does me no good....it does not improve my life, and certainly doesn't help in fixing it at all. It just burns more emotion, time, resources and creates more pain on something that is no longer a factor in my life.
That serves no one.
We spoke for a time on the duality. Who she was in regards to me, and who she says she is. From my perspective, these two people were FAR apart.
She said she was a passionate, fun, caring, devoted, loving partner. And the good times we had displayed that.
This may be true, but those good times were but a mere fraction of our time together.
Personally, I hope she heals. I hope she truly can become THAT person. A person who does not feel the need to control, manipulate, berate, or hurt others. I hope she can find a partner that she truly WANTS to be a partner with. Someone who she CAN make a priority. Someone she longs for. Someone she makes plans with as an "us"...not just a 'me, my kids, family, career...and you're along for the ride'. Someone she can be fully honest with...no deflection, dodges, ignore games, lies, and maneuvers.
Someone she CAN be THAT woman with. I think that would be a truly beautiful thing. I hope she finds it.
Me.....I'm gonna work on me....heal, grow, repair, strive, improve.......that's all I can do...be the best damm Semi-Domesticated Irish Bear I can be....that is my path...and someday...this will be the second thing I think about when I wake
We went back to the beginning. First class, etc. He dd have a time to go over what I sent him and he did mention it helped. I do my best to remain evidence and factually neutral but as we all know our perception determines our reality. This is just fact. I think that's why having all the messages will help as it will keep me centered and him properly informed.
He did mention one thing that stuck with me. "First rule of reconciliation....the offender does not determine when the offended is healed. Time has no effect on this". This was something I never considered. We all heal at different rates, in different ways. For her it may have taken this long to realize she couldn't heal....that and banging a few different guys when she got pissed at me...who knows.
The important part is, in the end, it should've ended when I found out about Mike. Period, full stop, end of story. Our lives would have been vastly different, that much is certain.
He did ask me to go through my top 3 memories and worst 3 memories with her in detail. That was tough. because they showed why I fought so hard to save it, and why I should've fought harder to end it. The most striking point of this exercise was the Top 3 were easy. the worst 3, I had a large pile to soft through in order to figure out what the worst 3 were. That was a gut punch I was not expecting.
The top three were easy. 1. Seeing her reading Keion bedtime stories. 2. The night before my reunion when the power was out. 3. Her coming clean around Christmas a few years back and fighting for us....well semi-coming clean. new shit hits the light of day weekly.
The worst 3 took alot of processing......it was not pleasant. but I think I narrowed it down.
1. Her screaming at me in the parking lot at Applebee's telling me she is gonna fuck who she wants, when she wants, how she wants, and I just have to deal with it. 2. Argument where she told me she wished she made a sex tape with James so she could rub it in my face. 3.Memorial day weekend where we got away to a resort in Brainerd and she finally came clean about lying to me about Mike.....that or a 1000 way tie of all the ignore session, dodges, ultimatums, dates, and manipulation.
It was a painful, but necessary exercise. It did bring an interesting truth to light. After a time and the cycle of fights, ultimatums and ignore games...I began to withdraw from society. Knowing that any contact with the opposite sex would draw a fight, I stopped talking. to everyone. I began to hide for fear of upsetting her. Because....in the end...it was what she wanted. I lied to myself and said it was a temporary thing.
I don't begrudge her for her fear, or for her reactions. But so often anything involving rebuilding was her way or the highway. It even got to the point where she would review my Facebook posts and demand edits of them...and direct conversations in a manner she chose.
Please keep in mind that this was also never, ever a courtesy extended to me. Any time I asked for a level playing field there was always a dodge, a deflection, or complete avoidance of my concerns.
In the end.......I allowed it. No matter what she did...I allowed it and in some cases nurtured it.
The basis of any relationship has to be trust...business, personal, friendship. We did not have that, from the shitty things I was doing to the things she was...there never was a level of trust to be had in it.
One thing he mentioned that I had stated before I found interesting was....it was never both of us fighting at the same time to save it. Why I wonder?
He found it incredibly odd that I wasn't angry or hateful. I told him I had my moments. But not anymore. that was an awakening. At what point does hating her or wishing bad things upon her improve my life? If she is truly meant to go through what was done to me and vice versa....it will happen in its own time. Me wishing it, writing it, obsessing over it does me no good....it does not improve my life, and certainly doesn't help in fixing it at all. It just burns more emotion, time, resources and creates more pain on something that is no longer a factor in my life.
That serves no one.
We spoke for a time on the duality. Who she was in regards to me, and who she says she is. From my perspective, these two people were FAR apart.
She said she was a passionate, fun, caring, devoted, loving partner. And the good times we had displayed that.
This may be true, but those good times were but a mere fraction of our time together.
Personally, I hope she heals. I hope she truly can become THAT person. A person who does not feel the need to control, manipulate, berate, or hurt others. I hope she can find a partner that she truly WANTS to be a partner with. Someone who she CAN make a priority. Someone she longs for. Someone she makes plans with as an "us"...not just a 'me, my kids, family, career...and you're along for the ride'. Someone she can be fully honest with...no deflection, dodges, ignore games, lies, and maneuvers.
Someone she CAN be THAT woman with. I think that would be a truly beautiful thing. I hope she finds it.
Me.....I'm gonna work on me....heal, grow, repair, strive, improve.......that's all I can do...be the best damm Semi-Domesticated Irish Bear I can be....that is my path...and someday...this will be the second thing I think about when I wake
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