Spring and symbolism
Well it is officially spring now. A time of symbolic re-birth and renewal.
With that I also had my first appointment with my counselor. We have talked twice on the phone and I forwarded him materials from this blog, my journals and such.
It was odd. He feels that my experiences may qualify as PTSD and PTSD onset SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder). While I can see some of the logic, I get very anxious in crowds and borderline violent when people invade my personal space. When I pull back and they press further, it get much much worse. That's why I retreat to my room on my time off, I don't enjoy going out as I once did, and when it comes to ordering out, I choose drive thru whenever I ac. But I am withholding my judgement til later.
Another St. Patrick's day is down and in the books. they get easier, for those that do not know that was our anniversary. Even though I think only one went off halfway decent...the rest were unqualified disasters during our time together. But it always seems to remind me of her.
In the end I guess it comes down to the last message I got. I am no longer cared for or respected. How hard I fought and what I sacrificed is irrelevant. Never mind she herself admitted she could never endure what she put me through and agreed no one else would fight as long or as hard as I did. I do have to thank her for it though. It was, without a doubt, the first bit of pure truth I got from her in a very, very long time. For that one moment, her words EXACTLY matched her actions, and that is rare.
Those statements is what I need to hold onto. That is what I need to remember. The knowledge of her dating again isn't nearly as earth shattering as I thought it would be. Because, and this ties into an earlier post...in all honesty, we are all replaceable. No matter what anyone else might say. Maybe not an exact 1 to 1 fit, but we can all be replaced. I know she has done it to me on several occasions. And she has this beautiful gift of compartmentalization and an uncanny ability to 'bounce back'. I applaud her for it.
There are moments when I think this may be the best thing that's happened to me, and other moments where I am completely lost. The counselor said that is completely natural. When we are in a given situation, even a very bad one, for an extended length of time, it becomes....normal.
That will be the hardest, the memory triggers, after all the time there are a TON of things that trigger memories, from the things we've exchanged (which I can thankfully say I have gotten completely rid of now, every last scrap...and with good reason...will touch on that later)...to places, shows, music, scents, and even foods. All of them hold a trigger of some sort. From Buffalo Wild Wings, Doctor Who marathons, to Red Lobster & Wal-mart shopping...long story.
I guess the key to healing and moving on is being able to acknowledge the importance of a memory, without succumbing to the emotion tied to it. I think when you're there...THAT is the turning point. When you can look back, smile, and look away without a pang or pain. That and creating NEW memories....that depend on no one but myself.
Oh...and good news, I have my list of places narrowed down to 2 and submitted applications to them both. Moving will definitely help as well. Alot of memories here. A new place that is mine and mine alone, where I can make new memories, freed from the ghosts of the past will be a big step....that and Boxer day!!!!
And....that can be a good thing, can't it? Could use one in the 'Win' column....
With that I also had my first appointment with my counselor. We have talked twice on the phone and I forwarded him materials from this blog, my journals and such.
It was odd. He feels that my experiences may qualify as PTSD and PTSD onset SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder). While I can see some of the logic, I get very anxious in crowds and borderline violent when people invade my personal space. When I pull back and they press further, it get much much worse. That's why I retreat to my room on my time off, I don't enjoy going out as I once did, and when it comes to ordering out, I choose drive thru whenever I ac. But I am withholding my judgement til later.
Another St. Patrick's day is down and in the books. they get easier, for those that do not know that was our anniversary. Even though I think only one went off halfway decent...the rest were unqualified disasters during our time together. But it always seems to remind me of her.
In the end I guess it comes down to the last message I got. I am no longer cared for or respected. How hard I fought and what I sacrificed is irrelevant. Never mind she herself admitted she could never endure what she put me through and agreed no one else would fight as long or as hard as I did. I do have to thank her for it though. It was, without a doubt, the first bit of pure truth I got from her in a very, very long time. For that one moment, her words EXACTLY matched her actions, and that is rare.
Those statements is what I need to hold onto. That is what I need to remember. The knowledge of her dating again isn't nearly as earth shattering as I thought it would be. Because, and this ties into an earlier post...in all honesty, we are all replaceable. No matter what anyone else might say. Maybe not an exact 1 to 1 fit, but we can all be replaced. I know she has done it to me on several occasions. And she has this beautiful gift of compartmentalization and an uncanny ability to 'bounce back'. I applaud her for it.
There are moments when I think this may be the best thing that's happened to me, and other moments where I am completely lost. The counselor said that is completely natural. When we are in a given situation, even a very bad one, for an extended length of time, it becomes....normal.
That will be the hardest, the memory triggers, after all the time there are a TON of things that trigger memories, from the things we've exchanged (which I can thankfully say I have gotten completely rid of now, every last scrap...and with good reason...will touch on that later)...to places, shows, music, scents, and even foods. All of them hold a trigger of some sort. From Buffalo Wild Wings, Doctor Who marathons, to Red Lobster & Wal-mart shopping...long story.
I guess the key to healing and moving on is being able to acknowledge the importance of a memory, without succumbing to the emotion tied to it. I think when you're there...THAT is the turning point. When you can look back, smile, and look away without a pang or pain. That and creating NEW memories....that depend on no one but myself.
Oh...and good news, I have my list of places narrowed down to 2 and submitted applications to them both. Moving will definitely help as well. Alot of memories here. A new place that is mine and mine alone, where I can make new memories, freed from the ghosts of the past will be a big step....that and Boxer day!!!!
And....that can be a good thing, can't it? Could use one in the 'Win' column....
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