Meh.....

The longer I live the more jaded I become. I begin to dwell on deeper topics of a down nature. Primarily, are humans capable of change once their personality is set? Take addicts for instance, often they are cured of one addiction, but move onto another. The personality traits remain the same, all that changes is the "decor". In the end the behaviors never really change. So that begs the question, can people...and by this I mean 30+ crowd, change behaviors. Radical, root, sweeping change? I have seen instances where they have, but more often than not I have seen patterns repeat themselves ad nauseam.

In addition I wonder at what point English...for Americans born...in the US...who are educated.....became so difficult to understand? I feel I speak pretty plainly....clear, with a decent grasp on vocabulary and grammar......So, why do so many people either invent things that are said, or fail to recognize what is said?

I am no stranger to this either. Could it be that what is being said is so painful, we substitute something that stings less in it's place? Could it be that accepting what the other person says cuts so deep we invent a new angle on it to protect ourselves?

I don't know really....will I ever....most likely not. Again, part of letting go of the need to know 'why'.

It draws me back to a voice message I got from the Ex, about she needing to be the only woman in my life....something she has iterated on many occasions. On the surface, a very very valid claim...dig a little deeper and find that she's saying this as we are broken up and she is dating other men...and in a few cases, being physical with them. Yes...it's okay...I did a double take too.

I know it may seem that I pick on her alot, but in reality she does have some very admirable qualities. Just the opposite edge of these is very sharp. Example: A very intelligent mind...which is sometimes used to weave very intricate verbal dodges and deflections.  Every coin has two sides. As I am FULLY certain many folk can say about me as well.


I find myself with a set amount of goodwill, small talk, & I dunno...happiness in any given day. Most folk drain it from me very quickly and I find myself getting growly more and more quickly. I wonder if that means I'm becoming a grumpy old man....does this mean they'll send me the checkered hat with ear flaps? Or do I have to buy that on my own?

I am dealing with things alot better than I was. In the past I believed I NEEDED to be with someone, as opposed to want. When you need, you place a tremendous amount of power in someone else's hands. If their motives are impure, or their heart beset with anger, vengence or wickedness this can have grave consequences.

If their feelings are pure and true, then this forms some of the tightest bonds. Much like my Aunt & Uncle.

Yes...I'm rambling...I do that, try and keep up. Sleep is still difficult and I'm trying to keep away from medication for it, I don't want to develop a dependance.

My mind is a whirlwind of crap right now, not sure how to get it all out and have it make ANY sense at all.....

just know I need a few days off......