Life & Times of the Semi-Domesticated Irish Bear

I met with him again. With background data, the questions were a bit more probative. And some serious questions were asked. Some I could not answer. We went back to the beginning. First class, etc.  He dd have a time to go over what I sent him and he did mention it helped. I do my best to remain evidence and factually neutral but as we all know our perception determines our reality. This is just fact. I think that's why having all the messages will help as it will keep me centered and  him properly informed. He did mention one thing that stuck with me. "First rule of reconciliation....the offender does not determine when the offended is healed. Time has no effect on this". This was something I never considered. We all heal at different rates, in different ways. For her it may have taken this long to realize she couldn't heal....that and banging a few different guys when she got pissed at me...who knows. The important part is, in the end, it should've ende

It re-organizing my life I came across 2 old dropbox accounts. What I found in them however is of greater interest. Every text, email, picture and messenger log that was ever between me and Tammy. I organized them into a cohesive timeline. From beginning to end, it's all there...the good times and then the other 95% of it...lol. From the first Yahoo message to the Lame ass Yahoo message I used to reconnect with her...trust me it was WAAAAY bad. To the few pics we took together, to the message I got not too long ago wrapping it all up. It was good to see it all from a dispassionate perspective. For a short time. Then came the first pic we had together at Kat's B-day Party, then the Easter Pics (?)....Trees, look at the trees...dear God did you SEE the Trees?!?!?!? (long story)..Happy times, The house, shooting,.... Then the not-so-good times. The screenshots she was taking from my friends on Facebook that I found when packing her computer. The arguments ...the hurtful v

Well it is officially spring now. A time of symbolic re-birth and renewal. With that I also had my first appointment with my counselor. We have talked twice on the phone and I forwarded him materials from this blog, my journals and such. It  was odd. He feels that my experiences may qualify as PTSD and PTSD onset SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder). While I can see some of the logic, I get very anxious in crowds and borderline violent when people invade my personal space. When I pull back and they press further, it get much much worse. That's why I retreat to my room on my time off, I don't enjoy going out as I once did, and when it comes to ordering out, I choose drive thru whenever I ac. But I am withholding my judgement til later. Another St. Patrick's day is down and in the books. they get easier, for those that do not know that was our anniversary. Even though I think only one went off halfway decent...the rest were unqualified disasters during our time together. But

I came across a pin last night. It was kind of a wake-up. Yes I know all these wake ups at 41...quite interesting. It said "A goal without a plan is just a wish".  If the last 4 years have taught me anything it's that your goals, must be your own. You cannot make someone else's goals your own and be happy. Because people...more often than not, cannot be counted on.  And never set aside your goals in the hope that someone else will recognize the sacrifice and it will be a partnered effort. Literature, gaming, TV, Movies all are rife with long standing connections being betrayed for selfish goals.  Hell I watched a Youtube movie based on a game where such politics were the primary point. Halo: Nightfall. So I have a large goal, but in order not to be overwhelmed I have broken it up into smaller bite-sized goals. The primary goal is to get back to where I am supposed to be. With my finances, career, housing, and most importantly Children. All of which suffered

I do want to apologize for not knowing myself well enough to know that I could not move past the cheating and lying that occur with Kris. I never caught my ex-husband right out cheating on me that way you cheated on me. The only women I know about with him (for sure) were all during times we were separated. I never caught him cheating on me while living with me, like I did with you. I thought that I could move past it because what I felt for you meant more to me. However, I was wrong. Even the feeling of home, warmth, friendship, love, and everything else was not enough. In fact, the hurt and break in trust from Kris, slow road away at these feelings. It took a while, but now those feelings I had for you that I never had for anyone else are gone. I do want to thank you for helping me to understand more about myself that I did not understand before or know. I am sure I will never repeat this mistake again. I am sure you totally thinking I am a horrible person and that is ok.

One of the benefits of two jobs is you rarely have time to reflect upon the things that have gone bad in life. Moving to a 4-10 shift has given me time. It dovetails nicely with seeing things as they are rather than how I wish them to be. I made the choice to involve my ex, Tammy in my life again. I was warned by so many many people that it was a horrible mistake. But I saw changes that made me think it was possible.  She was open to adult discussion, the games seemed to cease, she was respectful of my life and issues. I was very proud of the changes she made. They were a lie. Nothing has changed. It just had a shiny new coating. The thing about the interactions was this......it was superficial. I did see one or two changes and they shocked me.  I had offers from her to assist in a job search, a home search, and resume critique. Sounds great doesn't it? Well it was just that, a good sounding idea. She would offer, I would accept, and then nothing was done. I found that I cou