Rebirth, healing, and recovery

It happened....I never thought this day would come, but it did. (Edit..this post if 4+ months overdue been real busy).

I drove by today, and for the first time I felt...nothing. No guilt, no pain, no love, no sorrow, no joy, no nostalgia. I truly never though this day would come. But it has. It's like a giant weight has been lifted off of me. I can now look upon my past and draw from it, instead of being a prisoner of it.

I have amazing opportunities ahead of me now. I'm expanding my job skills and looking at relocating soon. I keep hearing whispers of her and what she's up to now. I really don't care about any of it. I don't trust the source and look at the info kinda the same way I look at channel surfing when you're drunk and come across Telemundo. Ya don't quite know what to make of it...not fully sure what's going on...mildly entertaining, but you tire of it quickly. It doesn't matter which parts are fact and which parts are embellished or straight out lies. It has no bearing on my life and how I live it. Doesn't really even matter what she or anyone else thinks about it. Because it's all words. I judge by the actions taken. Like J.S. said "But when enough people make false promises, words stop meaning anything. And there are no more answers, just better and better lies". That's where I was with this for years. Apparently longer if some of the whispers would be believed.

Are there thing I miss? Absolutely, but that emotion/reaction is borne out of the illusion of it, & she were. Not the reality of her or the harsh reality of the time together. Once my mind is tempered with that fact the thoughts and feelings are fleeting at best.

I now look forward to my future rather than view it with a measure of dread.

Hope.....such a strange concept for me now. I haven't felt hope for a long, long time. It's....it' a curious sensation to say the least.  I certainly do not know what the future holds for me, but for the first time in a LONG time, I am hopeful for my future.

I've been getting back to the things that make ME happy and further my goals. I no longer live for her approval, or obsess over the silence or the "greater meaning" of every little action, post, or conversation.

I've forsaken a great many things as of late and I don't know if it's because I'm too busy, lost interest, or because they are things associated with her and that time, Can't rightly say, but I know missing out on some of those things isn't a big issue for me.

It has been a overwhelming time of growth, epiphanies, & reflection. I never really thought my life would be where it's at now. And....I am truly happy.

And while I never believed it would end or that it would end the way it did and all of the ridiculous shite that followed.....I also never imagined myself where I am now. Growing...new food, shows, discussions, & views.

Not sure I'll keep this going, or just write when I feel the need. But if this the last post I bid you farewell and thank you for putting up with me...lol