An Answer...carryover from my other account...porting directly to this one now
For those seeking an answer to the question. Was I as bad as my ex, Tammy J. Tallant says? the answer is yes. i did cheat, I did lie, I asked other TO lie. I betrayed the trust given to me, and hurt someone who did not deserve to be hurt. Its a long drawn out sad story of what was, what could've been and what is. I will not get into the nitty-gritty details of her sins because I cannot control what or who she did at any point and time. The only thing I can do is answer for my own sins. Accept the lessons learned from them, and move forward on my path to be a better man.
There is no justification, rationalization, or excuse for the things I have done. Granted in guy fashion I very much tried to find them. I very much wanted to believe there was a reason for the wrongs I had done. There was one. I made a choice. I made a conscious choice to betray my word to a woman I said I loved & was devoted to. They are always the standard 'guy' things...fear, ego, selfishness. But in the end...it....was...a...choice. It was one of many bad ones I made during my time with her. I did ask the woman I was unfaithful with to lie for me as well. I was frightened, terrified...I had been pinned in a corner and like a child with their hand caught in the cookie jar I panicked, denied, lashed out...then...finally accepted.
I sat in the car with heron a windy thursday noght, confessed all of my sins to her. Spoke of everything I knew. Subjected myself to any and all of her questioning. Then at the end of it, having stood before her face to face, confessing everything, she ended it. By rights it shouldve ended then and there. But it did not. I simply could not let it go. Tenacity can be a curse you know. I pursued what I thought I needed, wanted to have. in retrospect, perhaps I should've allowed it to fall right there. Granted it would've been easier. But I'm a 'die with your boots on' kind of a guy. I wanted, needed to know I could do all I could to save it. I had played the 'what might have been' game for far too long, and knew I could not have lingering doubts.
To better understand me, you must know I have alot of female friends, many of them exes, I develop strong bonds of friendship and often can salvage the friendship, after the relationship has died. My ex-wife is a perfect example, she is one of my very best friends, as I have posted on meetme several times. I also used the cover of a female friend for the woman I was unfaithful with. As such, ALL my friends that were female were suddenly suspect. I am drawn to engaging conversation, I am a very intellectual person, partly why I was drawn to Tink (Tammy, we met in Grad school). I have friends from all walks, ranges, and ages in life. Often it was a matter of perception. Tam viewed these people as ex-lovers, to me they were my friends. I define people as who they are, not who they were.
Through several breakups and reconciliations we went, each progressively worse than the last. Each time more scar tissue covering what was. During this time I spoke to a woman named Rhonda, it was casual chat, some intellectual concepts, & friendly demeanor. I did not share this with Tam. This was a major misstep to say the least. I was angry at having to spend 60% of my time defending the other 20%. More often than not, such was our life. I knew I had sinned, I knew I had wronged. i wonder often why I stuck with it...penance perhaps? Then the summer came. It was a roller coaster ride of ups, downs, and missteps, accusations and pain. I believe from march to the final bugle we had no less than a dozen breakups...? During this time I was subjected to untold abuses I feel....I understand anger, pain retribution...but through it all I have learned that an eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind eventually.
Even so, having to go back, I would not trade it all. During the rough times were small flashes of some of the BEST times. I do not hate her by any stretch of the imagination. If it was ever love, in some ways it will always be love. There were rumors, concerns, issues that she may be stepping out on me. After a similar situation from her in the spring which caused a major rift...my belief that nost people require revenge on some scale, and my own insecurities I sought out counsel, and information from the woman I had been unfaithful with. It should be noted that this person has deep ties to the guy she was with in spring, and the one in question from the summer. When I previously went looking for information, Tam had raced around to cover her bases, ensuring no info would leak. So I decided to be super sleuth about it. In that I broke my word to her. I gave her my word that this person would be gone. and I failed in keeping my word to her on this. No matter my reasonings, no matter my intentions, mo matter my fears.....in the end, I broke my word. that was the end...a very crushing end. I was destroyed, and had no one to blame but myself, my actions, my fear, my ego. There were some VERY serious developments during that month. Not only with her, but on my end. i found out that my friends...are very much my true friends. They came rushing in like a pack of dogs on a thre-legged cat. I still, to this day wonder what I did to deserve a group of people like that in my life. They circled the wagons around me, and spoke with me to heal. I had a personal health development as well that I will not go into on here (no...not a "social" disease....but considering what she did that month, it wouldn't have shocked me.....okay yeal...low blow but Im a bear...deal).
Another stab was made at reconciliation. It was...for about a week, rather nice! But as always the fear, the jealousy, the pain, and the anger...won out in the end.
So....this is who I was.......now, who I am, I am a man, deeply human, flawed, but acknowledging of my flaws, my sins, anf in the end, aware of who i was, who I am, and who I strive to be. Like the song says...Im not as good as i'm gonna get, but Im better than I used to be.
There is no justification, rationalization, or excuse for the things I have done. Granted in guy fashion I very much tried to find them. I very much wanted to believe there was a reason for the wrongs I had done. There was one. I made a choice. I made a conscious choice to betray my word to a woman I said I loved & was devoted to. They are always the standard 'guy' things...fear, ego, selfishness. But in the end...it....was...a...choice. It was one of many bad ones I made during my time with her. I did ask the woman I was unfaithful with to lie for me as well. I was frightened, terrified...I had been pinned in a corner and like a child with their hand caught in the cookie jar I panicked, denied, lashed out...then...finally accepted.
I sat in the car with heron a windy thursday noght, confessed all of my sins to her. Spoke of everything I knew. Subjected myself to any and all of her questioning. Then at the end of it, having stood before her face to face, confessing everything, she ended it. By rights it shouldve ended then and there. But it did not. I simply could not let it go. Tenacity can be a curse you know. I pursued what I thought I needed, wanted to have. in retrospect, perhaps I should've allowed it to fall right there. Granted it would've been easier. But I'm a 'die with your boots on' kind of a guy. I wanted, needed to know I could do all I could to save it. I had played the 'what might have been' game for far too long, and knew I could not have lingering doubts.
To better understand me, you must know I have alot of female friends, many of them exes, I develop strong bonds of friendship and often can salvage the friendship, after the relationship has died. My ex-wife is a perfect example, she is one of my very best friends, as I have posted on meetme several times. I also used the cover of a female friend for the woman I was unfaithful with. As such, ALL my friends that were female were suddenly suspect. I am drawn to engaging conversation, I am a very intellectual person, partly why I was drawn to Tink (Tammy, we met in Grad school). I have friends from all walks, ranges, and ages in life. Often it was a matter of perception. Tam viewed these people as ex-lovers, to me they were my friends. I define people as who they are, not who they were.
Through several breakups and reconciliations we went, each progressively worse than the last. Each time more scar tissue covering what was. During this time I spoke to a woman named Rhonda, it was casual chat, some intellectual concepts, & friendly demeanor. I did not share this with Tam. This was a major misstep to say the least. I was angry at having to spend 60% of my time defending the other 20%. More often than not, such was our life. I knew I had sinned, I knew I had wronged. i wonder often why I stuck with it...penance perhaps? Then the summer came. It was a roller coaster ride of ups, downs, and missteps, accusations and pain. I believe from march to the final bugle we had no less than a dozen breakups...? During this time I was subjected to untold abuses I feel....I understand anger, pain retribution...but through it all I have learned that an eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind eventually.
Even so, having to go back, I would not trade it all. During the rough times were small flashes of some of the BEST times. I do not hate her by any stretch of the imagination. If it was ever love, in some ways it will always be love. There were rumors, concerns, issues that she may be stepping out on me. After a similar situation from her in the spring which caused a major rift...my belief that nost people require revenge on some scale, and my own insecurities I sought out counsel, and information from the woman I had been unfaithful with. It should be noted that this person has deep ties to the guy she was with in spring, and the one in question from the summer. When I previously went looking for information, Tam had raced around to cover her bases, ensuring no info would leak. So I decided to be super sleuth about it. In that I broke my word to her. I gave her my word that this person would be gone. and I failed in keeping my word to her on this. No matter my reasonings, no matter my intentions, mo matter my fears.....in the end, I broke my word. that was the end...a very crushing end. I was destroyed, and had no one to blame but myself, my actions, my fear, my ego. There were some VERY serious developments during that month. Not only with her, but on my end. i found out that my friends...are very much my true friends. They came rushing in like a pack of dogs on a thre-legged cat. I still, to this day wonder what I did to deserve a group of people like that in my life. They circled the wagons around me, and spoke with me to heal. I had a personal health development as well that I will not go into on here (no...not a "social" disease....but considering what she did that month, it wouldn't have shocked me.....okay yeal...low blow but Im a bear...deal).
Another stab was made at reconciliation. It was...for about a week, rather nice! But as always the fear, the jealousy, the pain, and the anger...won out in the end.
So....this is who I was.......now, who I am, I am a man, deeply human, flawed, but acknowledging of my flaws, my sins, anf in the end, aware of who i was, who I am, and who I strive to be. Like the song says...Im not as good as i'm gonna get, but Im better than I used to be.
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