What was lost and what was gained
It has been a tumultuous time for me over the past 3 years now. I have seen joy, pain, death, birth, growth, beginnings, and endings.
As many of you know it has been a serious road of ups and downs. Choices I never thought I would make, sacrifices I never considered. It’s neither the time nor the place to go into a full accounting of my sins or the actions of others. It simply has no purpose. All one can control in this world is themselves. I have been through hell and back again over the last three years, with work, family, love, life, education, and myself. Granted a great deal of this is self-inflicted to a point, ‘The choices we make, dictate the life we lead. To thine own self be true’. I have found just how fragile we can be, and how sometimes even the strongest of us can be manipulated into wiping out that which makes us who we really are. I believed that I needed to do these things out of penance for my crimes. To atone for what I had done wrong. While there may be some twisted nobility in that, I began to lose myself the things that made me who I am, the bad…but also the good. I began to let sizeable portions of my life slip away. Some friends tried to shock me back to reality, tried to make me see that why I was doing things may be commendable, what I was doing was not.
I had lost my personality, I had lost my humor (well a sizable portion of it), I had lost my humanity, I lost my ‘spark’. Those that know me best saw me as a shell of a person. Each time I believed I was making a change for the greater good, a larger, more demanding change was demanded. Finally it had hit me, all these demands, all these changes were a distraction from what I was seeking. The truth. About how I was living, what I was living, how I was changing, who I was changing for and why…and ultimately, about myself. I found myself angry all the time. Unable to enjoy anything. Gaming, drinking, smoking, time with my brothers, time with my family, even my 20 year reunion turned into an interrogation and a rehashing of all the wrongs I had committed. I began to hate life and all that made it worth living. I became distant, isolated, and bitter. I had made the decision that I needed to find my truths in life. I had to know what was real and what was not. I did not like who I was allowing myself to become. I sought those truths, and I got them. In the end it cost me what I was trying to save. I wonder though…now looking back, what was I saving? It was not me, the person I was had long since been dormant. I was trying to save the image of what I thought I had or could have. Often our minds whitewash everything in order to protect itself. Upon distancing myself and deep reflection I was trying to save THAT lifestyle, I was actually TRYING to permanently place myself in a position to be angry, bitter, and isolated. I will not delve into deep details again, I will just say that there are not defined lines of what was right, what was wrong, who was good, and who was bad. I can just say I learned that I have given too much of my life over to anger, spite, hatred, and vengeance. It serves no purpose. Most people out there, if they truly do you wrong…are their own best revenge. Karma has a way of catching up with you. I learned at my reunion, which was incidentally my birthday weekend as well…both while some bright spots was one minor letdown after another. Is that life is measured. We only have so much, I will not spend what I have angry, bitter, isolated…being something I’m not for someone who is not who they were. I am me..good, bad, up, down, right, wrong, noble, evil….I am me.
Life, for me was much simpler when my birthdays consisted of Thomas the tank engine, lol. And late August was Ren Fest with my geekling. I’ve learned its not about finding that special someone out there, but finding yourself. And in yourself, finding what makes life worth living, and if someone comes along the way that is a fit for that, fantastic. But it cannot be your purpose. I know I am far from perfect and certainly no angel as many exes could attest to I’m sure. So please do not believe this is about slinging mud. This is about an awakening. Mike Moy, an old friend from High School sent me a writing called Awakenings during his and my divorce, I read it again today and it what the metaphysical Donkey punch in the daddy bags that I needed to wake up. I know I’m stubborn…comes with being a Bear…it just is. Some lessons you HAVE to learn yourself…the hard way. I’m not a fan of playing the “what might have been” game…even though I do it….ALOT. So I hang in there much longer than I should, even by unconventional wisdom.
I can say, that while there is pain, there is sadness, there is regret…there is also this…feeling, like a fresh spring breeze through my soul…telling me this is new beginning. It is time to be who I am, and in time who ‘I’ wish to be, for me! It is time to live, strive, laugh too loud, be happy, enjoy a joke or two, and smile about where I’m headed. To stop punishing myself for where I was, where I’ve been, and some of the wrongs I’ve done. If you never let go of who you were, you can never be who you are meant to be. The same goes for other people, the old adage goes: If you continue to judge me by my past, do not be surprised when I place you there.
So today….It is my new beginning, letting go of my past, forgiving myself, and others for the wrongs that have come to pass. Releasing my anger, spite, pain. Living life as it was meant to be. And in that becoming the man I wish to be, for myself, for my children, for my future. To all my friends and family that have stuck with me through this journey I thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
Bear
As many of you know it has been a serious road of ups and downs. Choices I never thought I would make, sacrifices I never considered. It’s neither the time nor the place to go into a full accounting of my sins or the actions of others. It simply has no purpose. All one can control in this world is themselves. I have been through hell and back again over the last three years, with work, family, love, life, education, and myself. Granted a great deal of this is self-inflicted to a point, ‘The choices we make, dictate the life we lead. To thine own self be true’. I have found just how fragile we can be, and how sometimes even the strongest of us can be manipulated into wiping out that which makes us who we really are. I believed that I needed to do these things out of penance for my crimes. To atone for what I had done wrong. While there may be some twisted nobility in that, I began to lose myself the things that made me who I am, the bad…but also the good. I began to let sizeable portions of my life slip away. Some friends tried to shock me back to reality, tried to make me see that why I was doing things may be commendable, what I was doing was not.
I had lost my personality, I had lost my humor (well a sizable portion of it), I had lost my humanity, I lost my ‘spark’. Those that know me best saw me as a shell of a person. Each time I believed I was making a change for the greater good, a larger, more demanding change was demanded. Finally it had hit me, all these demands, all these changes were a distraction from what I was seeking. The truth. About how I was living, what I was living, how I was changing, who I was changing for and why…and ultimately, about myself. I found myself angry all the time. Unable to enjoy anything. Gaming, drinking, smoking, time with my brothers, time with my family, even my 20 year reunion turned into an interrogation and a rehashing of all the wrongs I had committed. I began to hate life and all that made it worth living. I became distant, isolated, and bitter. I had made the decision that I needed to find my truths in life. I had to know what was real and what was not. I did not like who I was allowing myself to become. I sought those truths, and I got them. In the end it cost me what I was trying to save. I wonder though…now looking back, what was I saving? It was not me, the person I was had long since been dormant. I was trying to save the image of what I thought I had or could have. Often our minds whitewash everything in order to protect itself. Upon distancing myself and deep reflection I was trying to save THAT lifestyle, I was actually TRYING to permanently place myself in a position to be angry, bitter, and isolated. I will not delve into deep details again, I will just say that there are not defined lines of what was right, what was wrong, who was good, and who was bad. I can just say I learned that I have given too much of my life over to anger, spite, hatred, and vengeance. It serves no purpose. Most people out there, if they truly do you wrong…are their own best revenge. Karma has a way of catching up with you. I learned at my reunion, which was incidentally my birthday weekend as well…both while some bright spots was one minor letdown after another. Is that life is measured. We only have so much, I will not spend what I have angry, bitter, isolated…being something I’m not for someone who is not who they were. I am me..good, bad, up, down, right, wrong, noble, evil….I am me.
Life, for me was much simpler when my birthdays consisted of Thomas the tank engine, lol. And late August was Ren Fest with my geekling. I’ve learned its not about finding that special someone out there, but finding yourself. And in yourself, finding what makes life worth living, and if someone comes along the way that is a fit for that, fantastic. But it cannot be your purpose. I know I am far from perfect and certainly no angel as many exes could attest to I’m sure. So please do not believe this is about slinging mud. This is about an awakening. Mike Moy, an old friend from High School sent me a writing called Awakenings during his and my divorce, I read it again today and it what the metaphysical Donkey punch in the daddy bags that I needed to wake up. I know I’m stubborn…comes with being a Bear…it just is. Some lessons you HAVE to learn yourself…the hard way. I’m not a fan of playing the “what might have been” game…even though I do it….ALOT. So I hang in there much longer than I should, even by unconventional wisdom.
I can say, that while there is pain, there is sadness, there is regret…there is also this…feeling, like a fresh spring breeze through my soul…telling me this is new beginning. It is time to be who I am, and in time who ‘I’ wish to be, for me! It is time to live, strive, laugh too loud, be happy, enjoy a joke or two, and smile about where I’m headed. To stop punishing myself for where I was, where I’ve been, and some of the wrongs I’ve done. If you never let go of who you were, you can never be who you are meant to be. The same goes for other people, the old adage goes: If you continue to judge me by my past, do not be surprised when I place you there.
So today….It is my new beginning, letting go of my past, forgiving myself, and others for the wrongs that have come to pass. Releasing my anger, spite, pain. Living life as it was meant to be. And in that becoming the man I wish to be, for myself, for my children, for my future. To all my friends and family that have stuck with me through this journey I thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
Bear
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