Catch up
It has been a tumultuous couple of weeks. Scrambling to get everything ready for my new place, helping my mom get the house situated, sessions with my counselor, and of course new revelations regarding the Ex.
I like the layout of the new place, it has potential, I think here I can truly have a fresh start. I am short on furniture having foolishly sold it to Tam upon moving out. and
her either tainting it, destroying it, or simply getting rid of it....but also, they are hers so she can pretty much do what she pleases. I've pretty much purged everything else from myself regarding her, I thing its good to start over on that as well.
I am truly excited to be in this new place and instead of my very missed 'Boxer Day' I'm gonna roll with having a 'Kilt day' now...lol. Things are winding down now at my moms. Most of the big stuff is on it's way to Arizona now as I write this. I'm happy she will have a fresh start too. She has been weighed down by a lot lately and I haven't been as helpful as I could be. I've really been antisocial since Pop passed. I really miss him and being able to bounce ideas off of him.
My counselor started to delve into why Tam was such a huge addiction to me. Part of it was Love languages, something I had not heard of before I met Tam. Apparently mine is touch, she was able to touch me in such a way that instantly put me in such a state of peace it was unreal. It was immediate, unavoidable, and I was powerless to resist. and when I say this...it was no embellishment. If you take away the drama. We could always talk very easily. She had a charm about her that was undeniable. He had asked if she ever used it as a weapon. To my knowledge it hadn't. Now EVERYTHING else.....lol. Sex, speaking, contact, ignoring, stalking...yes....touching me...no.
Some more information came to light...and in typical stubborn bear fashion I reached my limit and sent a message. I apologized for the things I did, the pain I caused....wished her well,...said I am proud and happy she is dating again, I really am. It proves a point I have been making for years that I really wasn't THAT big of a deal in her life.....no me moving on (broken toy theory) was.......but I also stated I was upset that I was never worth the full truth from her. That it really seems everything from her was a lie without lying.....a half-truth, a dodge, or dead silence. I told her any conversation that involved her had to...HAD TO begin with the absolute 100% truth from her, and I knew she was incapable of that. I told her that I know..KNOW I have not received the truth from her from February 2012 til the day we broke up.
I never got the FULL truth on Zach.....I never got the FULL truth on when she first met James....I never got the FULL truth on what ALL happened at the bonfire....I never got the FULL truth on when she started seeing/screwing James....I never got the FULL truth on Mike....I never got the FULL truth on the condoms and the lube.......I never got the FULL truth on how MANY guys she dated/met/chatted/was physical with other than me from February 2012 til we broke up.....
And...in classic....ever so classic Tammy fashion....she COMPLETELY dodged it and spoke of how she missed our friendship and understood why so many of my exes are still friends with me. Well for one, none of them prison boned me the way she did...lol. and second there has been honesty there. She is completely incapable of that kind of honesty....as evidenced by the discoveries of the last few months.
Friendship?!?!? really? after what we did to each other.....miss the friendship...there wasn't a friendship...not while THAT much was concealed on BOTH sides....smh....that kind of damage doesn't spur friendships....you survive it. You survive it and do your dammedest never to repeat it. The reality is...something that goes THAT bad, for THAT long, isn't a "friend" thing....certainly not while she's still lying about what happened during our relationship. My counselor actually paraphrased the lost world "being friendly with her whithout a full realization of what happened isi the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas."
She said since I'm shouting to anyone and everyone that she is a Sociopathic narcissist she would leave me alone. it was a classic Tammy dodge. and that's okay.
I responded in kind....called her out on her dodge...and left it at that. She is incapable of being truthful when the truth paints her in a bad light. I think this is a lifelong trait for her.
Despite what she may think, feel, or believe, this isn't about running her down. I genuinely want her to heal, find the fairly tale that suits her, and hopefully Karma will pass her by and no one will do to her what she did to me. But in the abstract....it would be entertaining to see her life get carpet bombed the way she did me...lol. But it's an abstract thought...nothing more.
This is about me healing. recovering from the damage done and becoming the man I want to be. I would have liked to have had the full truth from her.....I also would have liked to have won Powerball, MegaMillions and Lucky For Life in the same week............the odds were about the same too...lmao
Sorry...no video this week...lol
I like the layout of the new place, it has potential, I think here I can truly have a fresh start. I am short on furniture having foolishly sold it to Tam upon moving out. and
her either tainting it, destroying it, or simply getting rid of it....but also, they are hers so she can pretty much do what she pleases. I've pretty much purged everything else from myself regarding her, I thing its good to start over on that as well.
I am truly excited to be in this new place and instead of my very missed 'Boxer Day' I'm gonna roll with having a 'Kilt day' now...lol. Things are winding down now at my moms. Most of the big stuff is on it's way to Arizona now as I write this. I'm happy she will have a fresh start too. She has been weighed down by a lot lately and I haven't been as helpful as I could be. I've really been antisocial since Pop passed. I really miss him and being able to bounce ideas off of him.
My counselor started to delve into why Tam was such a huge addiction to me. Part of it was Love languages, something I had not heard of before I met Tam. Apparently mine is touch, she was able to touch me in such a way that instantly put me in such a state of peace it was unreal. It was immediate, unavoidable, and I was powerless to resist. and when I say this...it was no embellishment. If you take away the drama. We could always talk very easily. She had a charm about her that was undeniable. He had asked if she ever used it as a weapon. To my knowledge it hadn't. Now EVERYTHING else.....lol. Sex, speaking, contact, ignoring, stalking...yes....touching me...no.
Some more information came to light...and in typical stubborn bear fashion I reached my limit and sent a message. I apologized for the things I did, the pain I caused....wished her well,...said I am proud and happy she is dating again, I really am. It proves a point I have been making for years that I really wasn't THAT big of a deal in her life.....no me moving on (broken toy theory) was.......but I also stated I was upset that I was never worth the full truth from her. That it really seems everything from her was a lie without lying.....a half-truth, a dodge, or dead silence. I told her any conversation that involved her had to...HAD TO begin with the absolute 100% truth from her, and I knew she was incapable of that. I told her that I know..KNOW I have not received the truth from her from February 2012 til the day we broke up.
I never got the FULL truth on Zach.....I never got the FULL truth on when she first met James....I never got the FULL truth on what ALL happened at the bonfire....I never got the FULL truth on when she started seeing/screwing James....I never got the FULL truth on Mike....I never got the FULL truth on the condoms and the lube.......I never got the FULL truth on how MANY guys she dated/met/chatted/was physical with other than me from February 2012 til we broke up.....
And...in classic....ever so classic Tammy fashion....she COMPLETELY dodged it and spoke of how she missed our friendship and understood why so many of my exes are still friends with me. Well for one, none of them prison boned me the way she did...lol. and second there has been honesty there. She is completely incapable of that kind of honesty....as evidenced by the discoveries of the last few months.
Friendship?!?!? really? after what we did to each other.....miss the friendship...there wasn't a friendship...not while THAT much was concealed on BOTH sides....smh....that kind of damage doesn't spur friendships....you survive it. You survive it and do your dammedest never to repeat it. The reality is...something that goes THAT bad, for THAT long, isn't a "friend" thing....certainly not while she's still lying about what happened during our relationship. My counselor actually paraphrased the lost world "being friendly with her whithout a full realization of what happened isi the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas."
She said since I'm shouting to anyone and everyone that she is a Sociopathic narcissist she would leave me alone. it was a classic Tammy dodge. and that's okay.
I responded in kind....called her out on her dodge...and left it at that. She is incapable of being truthful when the truth paints her in a bad light. I think this is a lifelong trait for her.
Despite what she may think, feel, or believe, this isn't about running her down. I genuinely want her to heal, find the fairly tale that suits her, and hopefully Karma will pass her by and no one will do to her what she did to me. But in the abstract....it would be entertaining to see her life get carpet bombed the way she did me...lol. But it's an abstract thought...nothing more.
This is about me healing. recovering from the damage done and becoming the man I want to be. I would have liked to have had the full truth from her.....I also would have liked to have won Powerball, MegaMillions and Lucky For Life in the same week............the odds were about the same too...lmao
Sorry...no video this week...lol
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