Truths.....or something resembling it
"You cannot play God and wash your hands of the things you've created. Sooner or later the day comes, when you can't hide from the things that you've done anymore" Cmdr. William Adama
This says alot about ownership. Something I have hidden from.....and even more surprising, something Tammy still does. It is amazing the things you find out about a relationship after it ends. Some not shocking, some very shocking.
I now have tons of people...some I don't know well, or at all coming to me telling me things about her. Some are hard to believe, but fit with many things I knew or suspected. Is it all true? Is any of it true? I do not know. What I do know is she had 2 major confessional talks with me and none of the things I am learning came up in either.
They are things I see her doing, things I KNOW she is capable of. But did she in fact do them? Hmmm...not sure. it does upset me to a degree...if any of it is true because I had been very proud of her for being so "forthcoming" in those talks. But when I really, truly step back and look at her personality profile as a whole....I can see many of these things a wholly feasible.
I don't ever expect her to give me the full truth. I never have since I heard her flimsy explanation about Zach when we first started. But I was at least hoping for 80% or so....I know, I set the bar high....lol
But the "full" truth always took days, weeks, months....and now it seems...years to come to light.
Hell I am fairly certain I wont ever know the full truth from her or about her....and I have to find a way to be okay with that. I have to come to terms with the fact I was never worth the full honest truth from her either. I have to accept the fact that she had to lie, dodge, deflect, play word games , and ultimately Cheat and invent things to justify her actions.
I don't know what's true.
There are a few things I know to be an absolute though.
They are:
1. She was a colossal waste of 5 years of my life. I lost so much and gained very little. She said she knew from the start we should not have tried. well...that does not explain the 4 years of hell I had to go through. Petty revenge....that's all it was. Petty Revenge and broken toy theory. She was content to date, mess around, and have her guys...so long as I was miserable at home chasing her. the moment someone showed interest in me...I was suddenly worth being "hers" again.
2. There is WAY more to the Condoms and Lube than she was, or ever will admit to. In her mind when I found them we were 'broken up' but just like Zach she had "a few things to take care of first" so she did not "owe me an honest explanation".....Yes I know how her mind works. The reality is we were very much together at that time.
3. I do not have the full truth...I never did, and probably never will.
4. Her youngest daughter is really the one in charge.
5. She never really had that much respect from me from the start....that's okay. Karma has a way of leveling the playing field. Maybe that's what she was though...my karma.
6. I could have done so much better for myself than this
7. My friends have had to deal with far too much out of this.
8. My boys have suffered more than I care to admit in this nightmare/
9. I need to listen to my Gut and my friends more.
10. Getting away from this probably saved my life and was undoubtedly the best thing that has happened to me in years.
I'll expand more and get into my updates from the counselor....later taters
This says alot about ownership. Something I have hidden from.....and even more surprising, something Tammy still does. It is amazing the things you find out about a relationship after it ends. Some not shocking, some very shocking.
I now have tons of people...some I don't know well, or at all coming to me telling me things about her. Some are hard to believe, but fit with many things I knew or suspected. Is it all true? Is any of it true? I do not know. What I do know is she had 2 major confessional talks with me and none of the things I am learning came up in either.
They are things I see her doing, things I KNOW she is capable of. But did she in fact do them? Hmmm...not sure. it does upset me to a degree...if any of it is true because I had been very proud of her for being so "forthcoming" in those talks. But when I really, truly step back and look at her personality profile as a whole....I can see many of these things a wholly feasible.
I don't ever expect her to give me the full truth. I never have since I heard her flimsy explanation about Zach when we first started. But I was at least hoping for 80% or so....I know, I set the bar high....lol
But the "full" truth always took days, weeks, months....and now it seems...years to come to light.
Hell I am fairly certain I wont ever know the full truth from her or about her....and I have to find a way to be okay with that. I have to come to terms with the fact I was never worth the full honest truth from her either. I have to accept the fact that she had to lie, dodge, deflect, play word games , and ultimately Cheat and invent things to justify her actions.
I don't know what's true.
There are a few things I know to be an absolute though.
They are:
1. She was a colossal waste of 5 years of my life. I lost so much and gained very little. She said she knew from the start we should not have tried. well...that does not explain the 4 years of hell I had to go through. Petty revenge....that's all it was. Petty Revenge and broken toy theory. She was content to date, mess around, and have her guys...so long as I was miserable at home chasing her. the moment someone showed interest in me...I was suddenly worth being "hers" again.
2. There is WAY more to the Condoms and Lube than she was, or ever will admit to. In her mind when I found them we were 'broken up' but just like Zach she had "a few things to take care of first" so she did not "owe me an honest explanation".....Yes I know how her mind works. The reality is we were very much together at that time.
3. I do not have the full truth...I never did, and probably never will.
4. Her youngest daughter is really the one in charge.
5. She never really had that much respect from me from the start....that's okay. Karma has a way of leveling the playing field. Maybe that's what she was though...my karma.
6. I could have done so much better for myself than this
7. My friends have had to deal with far too much out of this.
8. My boys have suffered more than I care to admit in this nightmare/
9. I need to listen to my Gut and my friends more.
10. Getting away from this probably saved my life and was undoubtedly the best thing that has happened to me in years.
I'll expand more and get into my updates from the counselor....later taters
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