The Future

"There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities; it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future, or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain." G'Kar quoting from the book of G'Quan I'll be honest. The future scares the hell out of me. Maybe that is why I stuck with things with Tink as long as I did when so many signs were saying leave. The Devil you know kind of a thing. Something is different this time though. Not sure quite what. Perhaps it's because I made a choice. Often I avoid the conflict and allow things to happen. I'm not sure where I'm headed....not sure how I'll get there......but I do know that it'll be a place of my choosing and right, wrong, up, or down I'll get there on my own. No one to blame, and few to thank. Because I am SOOOOOO over having to reboot my life every 5-7 years...kinda wears on ya. the catalyst is, and always was me. Me, the choices I've made, the good, the bad, and the very late. I'm building a life again. Something to be proud of, something to enjoy. The ex still thinks it's a game. SMH....it really isn't. I guess people will tell themselves what they need to in order to get by. She did the same to me with her ex-husband. The truth came out eventually over the course of 3 years. And like everything dealing with her, she isn't the devil, but the facts were again subtly altered. For me it isn't a game but a realization. The last time around I learned that I could not be truly happy with her. Happy-ish, yes...but it wasn't what it was. So I had to bail. I had to leave so I can build the life I deserve and she could find the happiness she deserves. Our time, while unforgettable, is done. Nothing she nor I could've done would've saved it. Sad as it is....it's true. There was too much damage. I'm past who did what to who. That road leads nowhere. Now it's about rebuilding. I'm 40 years old and starting over. It's kinda frightening to say the least. But I have one advantage, I have an amazing group of friends that are very supportive. They are always there with a kind word, advice, or just an ear to listen. I am truly at peace with my call in all of this......I believe you can miss someone, but also acknowledge they have no place in your life anymore. The why is inconsequential. Sometimes...it is what it is. I will say knowing when to let go & walk away is one of the most powerful tools a person can have in their arsenal. Unfortunately I have been lacking in that for some time. At least now I can recognize my flaws and faults, use them to empower me as a person, fix them, and move forward. It will be a long hard road, but worth it when I get there, and for those that come along for the ride....I thank you ----Bear

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